There are various types of domestic violence tactics and abuses.

In an domestic violence abusive relationship, the abuser may use a number of tactics to maintain power and control over his or her partner: Domestic Violence using Verbal Abuse:

• Name Calling
• Threatening
• Intimidating

Domestic Violence using Emotional Abuse:

• Criticizing
• Displaying jealousy
• Using public humiliation
• Putting down the partner
• Isolating
• Dominating
• Using the Children

Domestic Violence using Financial Abuse:

• Controlling the money
• Concealing joint assets or shared money
• Keeping their partner impoverished
• Blowing money

Domestic Violence using Physical Abuse:

• Pushing
• Slapping
• Hitting
• Kicking
• Choking
• Pulling hair
• Biting
• Using Weapons
• Tying their partner up
• Locking their partner in a room

Domestic Violence using Sexual Abuse:

• Raping
• Physically attacking sexual parts
• Forcing their partner to perform sexual acts

Domestic Violence using System Abuse:

• Violating restraining orders
• Violating child custody agreements
• Telling lies about their partner to police, courts

Isolation:

  The man will strongly discourage contact with friends and family. He will insist upon a move to an area far from these people, possibly rural or remote if they are city dwellers.

Limiting involvement with others:

  He will deny the woman access to a car, not allow her to go to school. If she is employed, he will harass her on the telephone or turn up at her workplace and cause trouble so that she loses her job.

Control of finances:

  He will take her money, give her an allowance or make her ask for money. She will have to account for all her expenditures and will have no knowledge of the family finances.

Putting her down:

  The man will call her names, ridicule her, imitate her, tell her she is 'stupid', yell at her, downplay her accomplishments, degrade her dignity and self-worth, make her feel useless and inferior.

Playing mind games:

  He will deny the abuse ever happened, say 'she caused it', or make light of the abuse telling her 'she has no sense of humor'.

Using the children:

  He will threaten to take the children away from her.

Anger and jealousy:

  The man will get angry and jealous and accuse her of having affairs if she even speaks to another man.

Statistics About Domestic Abuse

DID YOU KNOW THAT:  Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women.
(Department of Justice figures)
 
Every 9 seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted and beaten.
 
4,000,000 women a year are assaulted by their partners.
 
In the United States, a woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped, or killed by a male partner than by any other type of assailant.
 
Every day, 4 women are murdered by boyfriends or husbands.
 
Prison terms for killing husbands are twice as long as for killing wives.
 
93% of women who killed their mates had been battered by them. 67% killed them to protect themselves and their children at the moment of murder.
 
25% of all crime is wife assault.
 
70% of men who batter their partners either sexually or physically abuse their children.
 
Domestic violence is the number one cause of emergency room visits by women.
 
73% of the battered women seeking emergency medical services have already separated from the abuser.
 
Women are most likely to be killed when attempting to leave the abuser. In fact, they're at a 75% higher risk than those who stay.
 
The number-one cause of women's injuries is abuse at home. This abuse happens more often than car accidents, mugging, and rape combined.
 

Up to 37% of all women experience battering. This is an estimated 566,000 women in Minnesota alone.

 

Battering often occurs during pregnancy. One study found that 37% of pregnant women, across all class, race, and educational lines, were physically abused during pregnancy.

 

60% of all battered women are beaten while they are pregnant.

 

34% of the female homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends.

 

2/3 of all marriages will experience domestic violence at least once.

 

Weapons are used in 30% of domestic violence incidents.

 

Approximately 1,155,600 adult American women have been victims of one or more forcible rapes by their husbands.

 

Over 90% of murder-suicides involving couples are perpetrated by the man. 19-26% of male spouse-murderers committed suicide.

 

When only spouse abuse was considered, divorced or separated men committed 79% of the assaults and husbands committed 21%.

 

Abusive husbands and lovers harass 74% of employed battered women at work, either in person or over the telephone, causing 20% to lose their jobs.

 

Physical violence in dating relationships ranges from 20-35%.

 

It is estimated that between 20% to 52% of high school and college age dating couples have engaged in physical abuse.

 

More than 50% of child abductions result from domestic violence.

 

Injuries that battered women receive are at least as serious as injuries suffered in 90% of violent felony crimes.

 

In 1991, only 17 states kept data on reported domestic violence offenses. These reports were limited to murder, rape, robbery, and serious bodily injury.

 

More than half of battered women stay with their batterer because they do not feel that they can support themselves and their children alone.

 

In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1,500% higher than the national average.

 

Up to 64% of hospitalized female psychiatric patients have histories of being physically abused as adults.

 

50% of the homeless women and children in the U.S. are fleeing abuse.

 

The amount spent to shelter animals is three times the amount spent to provide emergency shelter to women from domestic abuse situations.

 

Family violence kills as many women every 5 years as the total number of Americans who died in the Vietnam War.

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Has any of the following ever happened to you? 
Does your partner:
 
1) Blame you for his or her mistakes?
YES or NO
 
2) Prevent you from seeing your family or friends?
YES or NO
 
3) Curse you, humiliate you, mock you or say mean things?
YES or NO
 
4) Force you to have sex or force you to engage in sex that makes you feel uncomfortable?
YES or NO
 
5) Restrain, hit, punch, slap, bite or kick you?
YES or NO
 
6) Intimidate or threaten you?
YES or NO
 
7) Ever prevent you from leaving the house, getting a job, or continuing your education?
YES or NO
 
8) Destroy personal property?
YES or NO
 
9) Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?
YES or NO
 
10) Threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends, or himself?
YES or NO
 
If you answered YES to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Domestic violence and children

Domestic violence (often called ‘family violence’) can include physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse. Children who witness regular acts of violence have greater emotional and behavioral problems than other children. Even very young children can be profoundly frightened and affected.

Contrary to popular belief, witnessing episodes of violence between people they love can affect young children as much as if they were the victims of the violence.

Short-term effects of domestic violence
A child’s response to repeated domestic violence depends on a number of factors, including their age, gender, personality and family role. Some of the immediate effects can include:

• Blaming themselves for the violence
• Experiencing sleeping difficulties, such as nightmares
• Regression to an earlier stage of development, such as thumb sucking and bedwetting
• Becoming increasingly anxious or fearful
• Displaying aggressive or destructive behaviour
• Starting to withdraw from people and events
• Becoming a victim or perpetrator of bullying
• Starting to show cruelty to animals
• Experiencing stress-related illnesses, such as headache or stomach pain
• Displaying speech difficulties, such as stuttering
• Misusing drugs and alcohol (in young adults).

Long-term effects of domestic violence A child growing up in an abusive household learns to solve their problems using violence, rather than through more peaceful means. Some of the long-term effects may include copying their parental role models and behaving in similarly destructive ways in their adult relationships. Children may learn that it is acceptable to behave in a degrading way to other people, as they have seen this occur in the violent episodes they witnessed. Appropriate support and counselling will help children grow up learning not to abuse others.

Drug and alcohol misuse
Some parents who are dependent on alcohol or other drugs are unable to care for their children appropriately and may hurt or neglect their children. For some, the addiction is so overwhelming that it takes priority over everything else, including looking after their children’s needs.

Children need consistency in their routine if they are to develop trust and a sense of security, which parents who misuse alcohol or drugs may be unable to give them. Some of the effects of parental drug and alcohol misuse on the child may include:

• Not getting all their nutritional needs met
• Experiencing school and learning problems
• Developing emotional problems related to anxiety or stress
• Loss of trust in adults
• Having an increased risk of mental illness or suicide in later life
• Developing an increased risk of substance misuse.

Seek support to stop the violence Domestic violence does not resolve itself. If you seek support to take action against violence, it shows your child that abuse is not acceptable and should be stopped. There are professional organisations that can help both partners to confront and change their destructive behaviours. If the abused partner fears for their safety, or for the safety of their children, it is important to take time away from home as soon as possible.

See your doctor for advice and referral, or call a parenting or domestic violence helpline. A parent with a substance addiction needs professional treatment, including counselling or medical treatment. In the meantime, keep all harmful substances out of the reach of children.

How to help your child
You can help your child emotionally recover from domestic violence in many ways, including:

• Get support to take action against the violence.
• Protect children from violence by taking them to a safe place.
• Tell the child that abusive behaviour is wrong and be a role model for other ways of managing anger and solving problems.
• Reassure the child that none of the violent episodes were their fault in any way.
• Tell them how much you love them and cuddle them often.
• Encourage them to talk openly about their feelings.
• Get extra help for your child with their schooling.
• Enlist a trusted adult to provide your child with emotional support.
• Seek professional help, such as counselling, for all family members.

Where to get help

• In an emergency, dial triple zero (000) to call police or ambulance
• Women’s Domestic Violence Crisis Service of Victoria (24 hour) Tel. (03) 9373 0123 or 1800 015 188
• Parentline Tel. 132 289
• Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 551 800
• Relationships Australia Tel. (03) 9835 7570 – for support groups and counselling on relationships, and for abusive and abused partners
• Mensline Australia Tel. 1300 789 978
• Domestic Violence Crisis Centre (national number) Tel. 1800 633 937
• National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (NAPCAN) Tel. (03) 9654 9552
• Your doctor

Things to remember

• Children who witness regular acts of violence have greater emotional and behavioural problems than other children.
• Some of the immediate effects may include nightmares, anxiety, withdrawal and bedwetting.
• Seeking support to take action against domestic violence shows your child that abuse is not acceptable and can be stopped.

 

Original Article

Children of Abused Parents Have More Behavior Problems

Judith M. McFarlane, DrPH; Janet Y. Groff, MD, PhD;

Jennifer A. O'Brien, MA, Kathy Watson, MS

Pediatrics, September 2003

Children who witness their mothers being abused can experience a variety of behavior problems, including anxiety, withdrawal, depression, and aggression, say researchers from the University of Texas-Houston Medical School in Houston, Texas.

Researchers surveyed 258 mothers who had been abused and 72 nonabused mothers as part of a study on treatment of abused women. All of the moms had kids between the ages of 18 months and 18 years old. Mothers noted the types of assaults that had occurred within the past 12 months, and they completed a comprehensive survey of their children's behavior. The child behavior survey asked questions about internalizing behaviors, such as anxiety and depression, withdrawal, and physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches. Mothers also reported whether their children showed externalizing behaviors, such as aggression, attention problems, or rule breaking.

Children of abused moms had more internalizing problems, more externalizing problems, and more behavior problems overall than children of nonabused moms. These behaviors, especially depression, withdrawal, and anxiety, place a child at higher risk for suicide.

What This Means to You: A child who is exposed to domestic violence is at risk for behavioral problems, even if he or she isn't directly being abused. Both children and parents in abusive families need help. If you are being abused, call (800) 799-7233 to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline or talk to your doctor or your child's doctor about what to do.

Original Article

Children, Community Violence and Post-Traumatic Stress

Deborah Wasserman

Department of Human Development & Family Science

The Ohio State University

Carol Ford Arkin, Ph.D.

Columbus Children's Hospital

Quick to anger, trouble paying attention, disinterested--these behaviors in children demand adult intervention. Problem behaviors in children derive from many sources. One potential factor affecting too many children today is the physiological and psychological aftereffects of witnessing or being a victim of a traumatic event.

Traumatic stress comes in many forms and a full range of intensities, as do children's responses to it. Not all children who have experienced or witnessed trauma will exhibit behavior problems. Increasing adults understanding of the effects of trauma hopefully will enable them to better help children who experience problems.

RESPONSE TO TRAUMA

Children's responses to trauma may vary according to the source and circumstances of the trauma and the circumstances of the child. Generally speaking, children who experience or witness extreme threat respond with symptoms that fit into four general categories (Terr, 1991; Pynoos and Nader, 1988):

• They may have strong memories that repeatedly intrude on their normal functioning.
• They may engage in endlessly repeated behaviors.
• They may develop trauma-specific fears.
• They may change their attitudes about friends, family, life in general, and the future. They also may desire to be unaware of their feelings.

Although these responses tend to be fairly consistent among children who have experienced traumatic stress, the way they manifest can differ substantially. Repetitive behaviors in one child, for example, may be highly aggressive, whereas in another they may be withdrawn or self-injurious. Some children exhibit few, if any, of these symptoms; others become almost completely debilitated, experiencing all of them persistently. In the latter case, children may be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Most children who have experienced trauma will not develop PTSD, although many may demonstrate transitory symptoms. If disturbances persist for longer than one month, parents or caregivers should consult with a mental health professional or pediatrician experienced in working with traumatized children.

WHAT INFLUENCES CHILDREN'S RESPONSES TO TRAUMA?

Many factors, often interrelated, contribute to the type and severity of a child's response to traumatic stress. These factors include the persistence of the trauma, the relationship of the child to the perpetrator, the proximity of the child to the experience, the child's support system, and the basic beliefs the child brings to the task of understanding and coping with the trauma. To understand children's possible responses, it is helpful to consider:

• the child's age,
• whether the trauma was ongoing or one-time,
• the child's relationship to the perpetrator,
• whether the child was a victim, a witness, or connected in some way to the victim,
  adult support,
• other stress factors affecting the child.

THE CHILD'S AGE: Children's responses to traumatic stress tend to be consistent with their developmental age. Toddlers may manifest stress in changes in their relationship to their caregivers, either demanding more attention, showing signs of indifference, or both. Their motor activity may change, and they may become more aggressive (hitting, biting, pinching).

In addition to the behaviors exhibited by toddlers, preschoolers may have physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, or difficulty using a particular body part. They may engage in endlessly repetitive play; may physically and emotionally avoid any reminders of the incident; or may demonstrate fear, sadness, clingingness, regressive behaviors, and feelings of shame regarding their vulnerability. Children also may enter a dissociative state, which observers often describe as "being in a world of their own" or "being out of touch."

School-aged children typically are more susceptible to traumatic events outside the family and their effects on their caregivers, friends, and their community. They may also be more adult-like in exhibiting their sadness and other mood-oriented symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, guilt, increased inhibition, and hypervigilance. These states can result in changes in play, loss or change in interests, return of old or onset of new fears, sleep disorders, difficulty concentrating, and lack of initiative. School performance and learning may suffer. Often symptoms may mirror those of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and may respond to ADHD treatment (Schwarz and Perry, 1994).

In addition to the symptoms experienced by younger children, adolescents may exhibit identity, eating, and personality (including multiple personality) disorders and seizure-like states. Suicide attempts, substance abuse, self- mutilation, delinquency, truancy, and destructive sexual behaviors also may occur.

WHETHER THE TRAUMA WAS ONGOING OR ONE-TIME: If the trauma was acute and unanticipated, as might be the case with a drive-by shooting, the child may experience acute and disturbing disruptions of thought patterns. If the trauma was chronic and anticipated, as is most often the case with sexual or physical abuse, researchers and clinicians report a more chronic absence of feeling, sense of rage, and generalized sadness along with fear (Terr, 1991). The two types of trauma can also overlap, resulting in a mixture of symptoms.

THE CHILD'S RELATIONSHIP TO THE PERPETRATOR: Traumas perpetrated by individuals whom a child has learned to trust or depend on create different effects than those perpetrated by strangers. Generally speaking, the more personal the relationship between perpetrator and victim, the more severe the symptoms of the victim.

WHETHER THE CHILD WAS A VICTIM, A WITNESS, OR CONNECTED IN SOME WAY TO THE VICTIM: Studies of one-time, acute events reveal that those physically and emotionally closest to the event's epicenter will have the most severe and longest-lasting symptoms. That is, victims who are emotionally, cognitively, and physically involved with the event and the perpetrator can be expected to respond more strongly than those who are physically, emotionally, or cognitively more distant (Pynoos and Nader, 1988; Schwarz and Perry, 1994; Terr, 1990). Relationship to the event may involve the victim's sense of control over the event; victims with less control may have a stronger symptomatic response (McCormack, Burgess, and Hartman, 1988).

ADULT SUPPORT: At the time of a traumatic event, attention and energy may be focused on the victim, perhaps making it difficult for children who are distressed by witnessing the event to receive the support they need. Moreover, adults who have close relationships with a child victimized by violence may be hampered by their own distress about the occurrence.

Difficulty receiving the support they need may be compounded for children who manifest their grief differently than adults. Children's sadness may be less apparent and less sustained. Some researchers have found that many children have never spoken to anyone about their grief reactions. These researchers surmise that because children's sadness tends to be more hidden, parents and teachers may have more difficulty appreciating the nature and intensity of children's grief reactions (Pynoos and Nader, 1988).

OTHER STRESS FACTORS AFFECTING THE CHILD. Although children have a wide range of response to various traumatic stresses, one fact seems to be well-established: rather than building children's resilience by giving them more expertise, recurrent or multiple traumas multiply the difficulty children experience (Fitzpatrick and Boldizar, 1993; Pynoos and Nader, 1988).

PROVIDING SUPPORT

In addition to providing "first aid" (see section at the end of this article) at the time of the trauma, parents and caregivers can provide ongoing support to children in the ways outlined in the remainder of this article.

HELPING CHILDREN REGAIN A SENSE OF CONTROL: Traumatized children have experienced themselves as helpless and not in control. Healing includes recognizing that those feelings occurred at the time of the trauma, but need not continue into the present. Barbara Oehlberg, in her discussion of "reempowerment" in Making It Better: Activities for Children Living in a Stressful World (1996), suggests asking children open questions, such "Then what happened?" or "I wonder what makes the daddy say that?" to help them process a story and gain a sense of mastery. Oehlberg's book also provides a number of open-ended activities intended to help children draw from their own resources to make sense of their world.

HANDLING DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR:Although adults may encounter difficulties when faced with agitated, defiant, or aggressive children, remembering that they are struggling and need adult help is extremely important. Behavior problems are unlikely to decrease through scoldings or appeals to "common sense," and harsh discipline is harmful and inappropriate. On the other hand, overly permissive parenting is not likely to help a child who needs guidance and help with coping. Children need consistent, loving support with clear limits and positive discipline to enforce them.

UNDERSTANDING REPETITIVE PLAY: The play of traumatized children may include acting out aspects of the event or themes from it. Some children may engage in endless, unvaried, repetition of the same play. Although self-expression may be constructive, caregivers need to balance between excessively encouraging or discouraging these activities (Schwarz and Perry, 1994). Caregivers should supervise play, for example, and be attuned to the possibility that it can become too disturbing for the child or for the child's playmates.

TUNING INTO THE CHILD'S NEEDS AND PACE FOR DEALING WITH STRESS: While providing opportunities for children to express themselves, parents and caregivers need to be careful not to push too hard to extract a story or otherwise pressure the child. Allow children to feel safe, accepted, and ready to talk at their own pace. On the other hand, putting the burden solely on children to bring up their feelings, or avoiding the subject altogether and assuming children will "work things out on their own" does not give children the support they need. If adults never broach a subject, children may think that it is somehow taboo or that their feelings are abnormal or bad and should not be discussed.

GOING BEYOND THE NUCLEAR FAMILY: Families that have experienced trauma may find it helpful to reach outside the family for supportive relationships for themselves and their children. An adult mentor, for example, can make an enormous difference in a child's life.

COPING OVER TIME: As children mature, gaining more sophisticated emotional and cognitive abilities, they may reprocess an earlier trauma. Caring adults should be aware of this possibility, and be ready to listen and possibly make referrals to appropriate professionals, whenever the need arises.

SPECIAL SECTION

FIRST AID AT THE TIME OF STRESS

Coping with the traumatic stress of a child at the time of the stress is critical; unaddressed traumatic stress increases the likelihood of the child developing PTSD. The following suggestions by Pynoos and Nader (1988) include a list of "first aid" for trauma victims:

1. Provide support, rest, comfort, food, and the opportunity to play or draw.
2. Reassure children that they are safe and that you will help them.
3. Reassure children that the event was not their fault.
4. Help children understand what has happened by giving them opportunity to talk about the event. Clarify, then reclarify any existing confusions.
5. Give children the opportunity to talk about their feelings. Providing emotional labels for common reactions is helpful. Reassure children that it is okay for them to be upset.
6. Do not insist that children talk before they are ready or more than is comfortable for them.
7. Help children understand that the event is over, especially in the presence of physical reminders of the incident.
8. Encourage children to let their parents, teachers, or other adults they trust know about what happened.
9. Provide consistent and reassuring caretaking, such as picking children up from school or letting children know the whereabouts and availability of a significant adult.
10. Understand that children may exhibit behaviors they have already grown out of (for example, bedwetting) and tolerate those behaviors for a limited amount of time.
11. Help children dealing with death understand its finality. Do not talk about death with euphemisms, such as "He went away" or "She is sleeping."

REFERENCES

Fitzpatrick, K. M. & Boldizar, J. P. (1993). The prevalence and consequences of exposure to violence among African-American youth. JOURNAL OF THE AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CHILD AND ADOLESCENT PSYCHIATRY, 32, 424-430.

Garbarino, J. (1995). RAISING CHILDREN IN A SOCIALLY TOXIC ENVIRONMENT. Jossey-Bass; San Francisco.

Heergaard, M. (1991) WHEN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS: CHILDREN CAN LEARN TO COPE WITH GRIEF. Woodland Press, Minneapolis.

Oehlberg, B. (1996). MAKING IT BETTER: ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN LIVING IN A STRESSFUL WORLD. St. Paul: Red Leaf Press.

Pynoos, R. S. & Nader, K. (1988). Psychological first aid and treatment approach to children exposed to community violence: research implications. JOURNAL OF TRAUMATIC STRESS, 1(4), 445-473.

Schwarz, E. D., & Perry, B. D. (1994). The post-traumatic response in children and adolescents. PSYCHIATRIC CLINICS OF NORTH AMERICA, 17 (2), 311-327.

Terr, L. C. (1991). Childhood Traumas: An outline and overview. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRY, 148, 10-20.

Original Article

Caught in the Crossfire: Children and Domestic Violence

By Tracy Burt, Support Network for Battered Women

 

Domestic Violence: Through the Eyes of a Child

The domestic violence movement has become increasingly aware of the devastating impact of domestic violence on children’s lives. Over three million children in the United States are exposed to parental violence each year. Whether or not children actually witness the violence, they are now considered to be victims of this epidemic.

As they grow and develop, children form assumptions about the world in which they live. Is their world consistent and predictable or chaotic and unsafe? Will their parents be able to keep them safe and protected? Exposure to domestic violence creates inordinate stresses in a child’s life.

In addition to the trauma of knowing that one parent hurts another “on purpose,” children in homes where domestic violence occurs are 15 times more likely to experience child abuse than children in non-violent homes. Instead of becoming used to regular routines in a safe environment, children enter an environment filled with stress and tension.

The Early Years

From the time children are conceived, they become intimately connected with and affected by domestic violence directed at their mothers. Violence tends to increase during pregnancy, which in turn contributes to an increased rate of miscarriage. Infants often develop an intense fear of adults, lose their appetite and scream incessantly. Unfortunately, these behaviors create more strain for families that are already over-stressed.

Acting Out

Sharon is four years old. She has trouble focusing at school and often hits other children in her class...
Every child responds differently to witnessing or directly experiencing domestic violence, depending on his or her temperament, usual coping mechanisms, developmental stage and support systems. Some children may respond with internalized symptoms such as regression and social isolation. Others may develop externalized negative behaviors that includes nightmares, hyperactivity, aggression and delinquency.

Research about children of various ages has found that from 50 to 70 per cent of children exposed to domestic violence suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at a higher rate than either Vietnam Veterans or rape victims. Violence puts them at significantly higher risk for behaviors ranging from extreme withdrawal to hyperactivity and for consequences ranging from school failure to suicide and criminal behavior.

Anger

Jeff is thirteen. He has lived with his mother and father his entire life. He loves both his parents but feels angry with his Dad for hitting his Mom and angry at his Mom for not protecting herself. Over the last few years, Jeff has begun to take the situation into his own hands, vowing to stop his Dad from ever hurting his Mom again.

Mothers in violent relationships are often unable to protect their children from their batterers, who may threaten children’s physical safety in order to control her behavior. The violence takes a mother away from her children, both physically and emotionally. Ironically, mothers often stay in violent relationships so that their children can maintain their relationship with the second parent (father/partner). Children are often literally “caught in the crossfire” and may be injured when an object is thrown or when they try to protect their mother.

Shame

Nina is nine. She is well-behaved and performs well in school, but has made up elaborate lies about her happy family. Her shame prevents her from ever having friends over.

As children age, they feel increasingly responsible for the violence in their homes. A school-aged child often feels caught between love for the father and desire to protect the mother. Shame becomes a dominant theme. Children become increasingly isolated from their peers as they act out in school and cease to invite friends home. As children grow into teens they develop higher levels of delinquency and violent behavior than those in non-violent homes.

The Perfectionist

“If only I did better in school...”

On the other hand, a child may become intensely perfectionist, believing that he will be able to make things better between his parents if only he is “good enough.” Children who follow this path tend to do well in school and consequently are not identified by teachers as needing help or support. Without outside support children continue these patterns and are at a higher risk for suicide and other self-destructive behaviors.

Dating

Joshua is fifteen. He hates his father and vowed that he would never treat women the way that his father treats his mother. He recently began dating a girl in his class. He has found himself becoming increasingly jealous of time she spends with her friends and last week he hit her ...

As teens explore romantic relationships, the relational patterns they have learned at home, based on control and dominance rather than respect and equality, often affect their expectations of romantic partners. But with intervention, the cycle of violence can be interrupted.

Breaking the Cycle

While the picture for children exposed to domestic violence may at first appear dismal, Support Network staff and volunteers bear witness daily to the incredible resilience of children. The most critical factor in determining whether a child will be able to overcome the devastating impact of growing up exposed to domestic violence is the existence of a consistent and supportive relationship in their lives, often with a teacher, counselor, or extended family member.

When we work with children at the Support Network we help them identify and build upon their strengths, while at the same time developing supportive relationships. We provide both individual and group counseling, including psycho-educational groups for 5 to 8- year-olds and 9 to 12-year-olds. Being a part of these groups is often the first opportunity children have to share their experiences with children their own age. The children learn to support each other and themselves. We hear again and again how participation in our groups transforms children’s lives.

Finally, our consistent support of mothers constitutes an essential intervention in the lives of children. Empowering mothers to be able to make positive changes in their lives and supporting their healing process is one of the most important keys to helping children heal and to break the intergenerational cycle of violence. As children begin to express their feelings and to understand the causes and effects of their behavior, they are able to begin changing the patterns in their lives.

Every member of our community has opportunities to support children living in violent homes. Reaching out to a neighbor’s child, volunteering time to work on our crisis line or with children, and talking to others about the effects of domestic violence on children all help to interrupt the cycle of violence and promote prevention and healing.

Children and Domestic Violence: The Facts

Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are 15 times more likely to experience child abuse than children in non-violent homes.

50 to 70 per cent of children exposed to domestic violence suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a higher rate than either Vietnam Veterans or rape victims.

Violence tends to increase during pregnancy, resulting in an increased rate of miscarriage.

As children grow into teens they exhibit higher levels of delinquency and violent behavior than those in non-violent homes

Battering: The Facts

    There are some commonly held beliefs about battering which we feel are actually myths...that is, the facts of battering indicate that these beliefs are false. Yet people continue to believe and act on these beliefs. In a sense, they become more powerful than the facts because they influence the ways battered women, their friends and family, the professional personnel they encounter, and the general public react to specific instances of battering.

 

---

MYTH 1: "Battering" overstates the case. Few women are actually beaten.

FACTS: Once violence has begun in a relationship it will continue and will increase in frequency and severity. Battering can involve severe beatings or threats, rape, weapons, and mental or physical torture.

Battering should not be considered only as isolated incidents resulting from a family dispute, but is a pattern of repeated abuse from which the battered woman does not see an escape. All too often, battering results in murder. A study in one police department in the Midwest indicated that in 85% of the cases of domestic homicide in that city in a given time period, the police had been called at least once before. According to a survey of women in Texas, 19% of the women who were abused during the previous year and 25% of the women who had been abused during their lifetime have been battered at least once a week.
 

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MYTH 2: Battering is a family matter.

FACTS: Assault is a crime in all states. Battering is not simply a family problem but is a far-reaching social problem affecting as many as 50% of all U.S. women. Violence against wives will occur at least once in 2/3 of all marriages and at least 25% of wives in the U.S. are severely beaten during their marriage.

Assault is a costly crime in terms of injuries and dollars. More than one million abused women seek medical help for injuries caused by battering each year. 20% of visits by women to emergency medical services are caused by battering -- in fact, it's the number one cause of emergency room visits by women. In Minnesota, 12% of the injuries sustained in reported incidences of battering required hospitalization.

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MYTH 3: It is only low income, working class families who experience violence.

FACTS: Battering affects all racial, social, ethnic, economic, and religious groups and affects each group with equal frequency. The police departments in Norwalk, Connecticut, a city with a wide socioeconomic range receives the same number of domestic assault calls as the police department in Harlem, New York, a city of comparable size.

Battered women with few resources are more visible because they seek help from public agencies. However, middle and upper-class women also seek refuge and assistance, only because of their resources it is more often in hotels and from private agencies.

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MYTH 4: Battered women are a particular and easily definable group of women.

FACTS: In reality, a battered woman can be any one of us. Battered women are as diverse as women are. There is no particular kind of woman who is likely to be battered any more than there is a kind of woman who is likely to be raped. The "kind" of woman who is battered is the woman who finds herself with a man who batters.

People would like to be able to identify the characteristics of a battered woman because it makes them feel less responsible. Women would like to be able to identify the characteristics of a battered woman because it makes them feel safer. In essence, it is a way of saying, "If I am not like these women, I will not be battered."

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MYTH 5: Battered women ask for it, provoke it, want it, and sometimes even deserve it.

FACTS: This victim-blaming statement suggests that the battered woman should look for the reasons for his violence in her behavior. It suggests that all a battered woman has to do is change her behavior. It also ignores the criminal nature of assault. We know that no one, including a battered woman, can change another person's behavior. We also know that this myth encourages battered women to stay, in an effort to discover what they do to provoke an assault. Responsibility for violence belongs with the person who is behaving violently.

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MYTH 6: It can't be that bad or she wouldn't stay.

FACTS: In the U.S. today, on the average, a woman earns slightly more than half of what a man earns. For this reason many women, including battered women, do not feel that they can support themselves and their children. Statistics show that the vast majority of court-ordered child support payments are never made to the custodial parent. Economic dependence is often the reality that traps a battered woman in a dangerous, violent marriage.

Fear of retaliation for leaving, harassment, and further violence from the abuser are also traps for battered women. In 73% of reported incidents, the woman was divorced or separated from the abuser at the time of the assault. Statistically, the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when she is leaving or he believes she is leaving. According to the Bureau of Justice, divorced or separated men committed 79% of spouse abuse.

Battered women are frequently isolated from family, friends, and co-workers, and do not have the support they need to leave or find help. The best assistance one can give a battered woman is to give her support and information.

It is important to recognize and respect that the only person who can determine the safest time to leave is the battered woman herself. She has developed a finely-tuned sense of danger and survival techniques.
    For more details, go to Why We Stay?

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MYTH 7: Domestic assault is caused by excessive drinking or by abuse of other drugs.

FACTS: Alcohol and other chemical use occur frequently when there is violence directed at a family member; however, it is dangerous to assume that chemical abuse causes battering. It does not. There are almost as many incidents of battering without chemical use as there are involving it. Battering is caused by a batterer who has chosen to use his violence as a means to exert power over, and maintain control of, his victim.

When chemical abuse and violence are both present it is important to deal with each as separate issues. Chemical dependency treatment will not stop violent behavior. In fact, often chemical dependency treatment for the batterer becomes a danger to the victim because of the demand that she be involved in his treatment program.

 

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MYTH 8: Battered women hate men. Battered women need to learn that not all men are bad.

FACTS: Battered women do not hate men. They hate being battered.  After being battered, they are afraid of being hurt again by another man.

 

 

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MYTH 9: It's not all one-sided. Men get battered too.

FACTS: Yes, but according to the FBI, in over 95% of all domestic abuse violence, the man is the batterer. The injuries that battered women receive are at least as serious as 90% of all violent felony crimes, yet under state laws, domestic violence is almost always a misdemeanor.

Alcohol /Drug Abuse and Domestic Violence

   Many studies show a high rate of alcohol and drug abuse among men who batter their female partners. Yet is there really a link between alcohol/drug abuse and domestic violence? No evidence supports a cause-and-effect relationship between the two problems. The relatively high incidence of alcohol abuse among men who batter must be viewed as the overlap of two widespread social problems.

   Efforts to link alcohol abuse and domestic violence reflect society's tendency to view battering as an individual deviant behavior. Moreover, there is a reluctance to believe that domestic violence is a pervasive social problem that happens among all kinds of American families. For these reasons, it is essential to emphasize what is known about the relationship between alcohol/drug abuse and domestic violence.

• Battering is a socially learned behavior, and is not the result of substance abuse or mental illness. Men who batter frequently use alcohol/drug abuse as an excuse for their violence. They attempt to rid themselves of responsibility for the problem by blaming it on the effects of alcohol.
• Many men who batter do not drink heavily and many alcoholics do not beat their wives. Some abusers with alcohol problems batter when drunk, and others when they are sober. For example, Walker's (1984) study of 400 battered women found that 67% of batterers frequently abused alcohol; however, only one-fifth had abused alcohol during all battering incidents on which data was collected. The study also revealed a high rate of alcohol abuse among non-batterers.
• In one batterers' program, 80% of the men had abused alcohol at the time of the latest battering incident. The vast majority of men, however, also reportedly battered their partners when not under the influence of alcohol.
• Data on the concurrence of domestic violence and alcohol abuse vary widely, from as low as 25% to as high as 80% of cases.
• Alcoholism and battering do share some similar characteristics, including:
   
  • both may be passed from generation to generation
  • both involve denial or minimization of the problem
  • both involve isolation of the family
• A battering incident that is coupled with alcohol abuse may be more severe and result in greater injury.
• Alcoholism treatment does not "cure" battering behavior; both problems must be addressed separately. However, provisions for the woman's safety must take precedence.
• A small percent (7% to 14%) of battered women have alcohol abuse problems, which is no more than that found in the general female population. A woman's substance abuse problems do not relate to the cause of her abuse, although some women may turn to alcohol and other drugs in response to the abuse. To become independent and live free from violence, women should receive assistance for substance abuse problems in addition to other supportive services.
• Men living with women who have alcohol abuse problems often try to justify their violence as a way to control them when they're drunk. A woman's failure to remain substance-free is never an excuse for the abuser's violence.

Abusive Relationships

Abusive Relationships

Nemours Foundation

When Brian and Sarah began dating, all of her friends were jealous. Brian seemed like the perfect guy: smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and good-looking. For the first couple of months, Sarah thought she had never been happier. She started to miss her friends and family, though, because she was spending more time with Brian and less time with everyone else. That seemed easier than dealing with Brian's endless questions. He worried about what she was doing at every moment of the day.

Sarah's friends became concerned when her behavior started to change. She lost interest in the things she once enjoyed, like swimming and music. She became secretive and moody. When her friends asked Sarah if she was having trouble with Brian, she forcefully denied that anything was wrong. What was going on? Read this article to find out how to tell if you or a friend is being abused and what you can do about it.

What Is Abuse?
Everyone has heard the songs about how much love can hurt. But that doesn't mean physical harm: Someone who loves you should never abuse you. Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person.

Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. Sometimes abuse can even seem flattering; think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous. Maybe you've thought your friend's partner really cares about him or her. But actually excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.

Emotional abuse, like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others, can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, put-downs, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt - not just during the time it's happening, but long after, too.

It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual experience that you don't want. This type of abuse can happen to anyone, anytime.

The first step is to realize that you have the right to be treated with respect and not be physically or emotionally harmed by another person. But how can you prevent becoming involved in this type of relationship? How can you help a friend who is in an abusive relationship?

Signs That You Are Being Abused
Any type of unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. Phrases like "If you loved me, you would . . . " also should warn you of possible abuse. A statement like this is emotional blackmail from a person concerned about getting what they want. Trust your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

There are important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship. Abusive behaviors include:

• harming you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
• trying to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
• frequently humiliating you or making you feel unworthy; for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you
• coercing or threatening to harm you if you leave the relationship
• twisting the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
• demanding to know where you are at all times
• constantly becoming jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

Signs That a Friend Is Being Abused
In addition to the signs listed above, here are some signs of abuse to look for in a friend:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks
• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason
• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family
• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense

If a friend is being abused, the one thing your friend needs most is someone to hear and believe him or her. Maybe your friend is afraid to tell his or her parents because they'll make him or her end the relationship. People who are abused often feel like it's their fault - that they "asked for it" or that they don't deserve any better. But abuse is never deserved. Your friend needs you to help him or her understand that it is not his or her fault. Your friend is not a bad person. The person who abused him or her is at fault and needs professional help.

If you have a friend who is being abused, he or she needs your patience, love, and understanding. Your friend also needs you to encourage him or her to get help immediately from an adult, such as a parent or guidance counselor. Most of all, your friend needs you to listen to him or her without judging. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have been abused; let your friend know that he or she has your full support.

How You Can Help Yourself
What should you do if you are suffering from any type of abuse? If you can't love someone without feeling afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship fast. You're worth being treated with respect and you can get help.

First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult can help you. If the person has physically attacked you, don't wait to get medical attention or call the police. Assault is illegal, and so is rape - even if it's done by someone you are dating.

Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your friends and family. You might feel like you have nowhere to turn, or you might be embarrassed about what's been going on, but this is the time when you need support most. People like counselors, doctors, teachers, coaches, and friends will want to help you, so let them.

Don't rely on yourself alone to get out of the situation; the people who love and care about you can help you break away. It's important to know that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness - it actually shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing to stand up for yourself.

Where to Get Help
There are many resources available to help you. Your local phone book will list hundreds of crisis centers, teen help lines, and abuse hotlines. These organizations have professionally trained staff to listen, understand, and help.

Ending abuse and violence in teen relationships is a community effort with plenty of people ready to help. Don't forget about those in your neighborhood who will be willing and able to help: religious leaders, school nurses, teachers, school counselors, doctors, and other health professionals are all sources of support and information.

Original Article